Friday, February 27, 2015

Bisexual Woman Just Wants To Be Friends, Girlfriend Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am bi-sexual and am in a long-term, committed relationship with my girlfriend. I love her very much and would never cheat on her. Too often, people think bisexuals switch-off with a man one night and a woman the next; nothing could be further from the truth. We simply have sexual attractions to both men and women, with a general preference for one or the other. Like homosexuals and heterosexuals, once we are in a committed relationship we stay committed! My problem is that my girlfriend, “Janie” is insecure, a lesbian, and afraid that I will one day leave her for a man.

I returned to school last year to take a few classes towards my professional certification and that is where I met my friend “Rob”. I enjoy his company, and although I am not physically attracted to him we do have a connection; I can see our friendship becoming a solid one and would like to try to integrate him into other areas of my life, you know, outside of school. My problem is Janie.

I have mentioned Rob in casual conversation before and Janie has visibly bristled. I took Janie with me to a college movie night where we ran into Rob, and Janie actually yanked me backward when I leaned in to give him a hug hello. After polite introductions were made Janie told me she needed to speak with me privately and asked me if I was cheating on her with Rob! I told her I was not, and awkwardly avoided him the rest of the night, hoping this would comfort Janie. She only said that this proves I am trying to keep the two of them from talking to each other and “comparing notes”.

I have never had a problem like this before because I have never dated someone who was not bisexual, like me. I have tried to explain to Janie what I stated at the start of my letter, and she says she understands but adds that Rob “just might be the exception to that rule”. I have been with Janie for almost two years and I cannot imagine breaking up over something like this, but my certification program is going to take me three years to complete, since I am only studying part-time. I cannot imagine having to put up with Janie acting like this for the next three years, nor do I want to be the cause of such unhappiness; however, there are certain things that are non-negotiable with me: I will not quit my program in order to ease Janie’s fears. My career is important to me, and this certification is important for career advancement. Second, I do not like the idea of Janie telling me who I can and cannot have as friends. She has female friends who are lesbians, and I point out to her that I do not get jealous or possessive, but she claims that this is different; that I am able to fulfill all of her needs, but that she feels she cannot fulfill all of mine. This reasoning takes us full-circle back to what I have already said (here, and to Janie ad nauseam) and nothing gets solved.

I feel that I have tried to compromise by introducing Janie to Rob, but as she pointed out – correctly – that I want Rob to a part of my inner circle, so it really wasn’t much of a compromise at all. Can you think of any way to resolve this issue? Or am I going to have to call it quits with someone?

Signed,
Torn Between Fidelity And Friendship

Dear Torn Between Fidelity and Friendship:

You have a sticky situation that is not uncommon in any circle, heterosexual or homosexual. You do, however, have special circumstances because Julia – like many people – does not understand the emotional mechanics of bisexuality. I thank you for explaining it here so succinctly!

Since you have explained to Janie than your sexual interest in men is rather low and your connection to Rob is platonic re-explaining it over and over will only result in further frustration. I realize that your greeting to Rob (a hug) was innocent, but you must put yourself in Janie’s place to understand how it looked to her. You mention that Janie is insecure; now, imagine how she must feel to see you wrapping your arms around a man! Ask any woman whose boyfriend/husband was secretly gay and left her for another man and she will tell you how devastating this is. As one woman put it, “When he told me ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ he really meant it! I knew that, and it felt horrible knowing that there was nothing I could do to make the relationship work. I was devastated.” In her insecurity, this is Janie’s worst fear: that you will leave her for a man.

If Rob is as great a guy as you obviously think he is, I do not think he would willingly work to break up your relationship with Julia. In fact, if he enjoys your friendship as much as you enjoy his, he may be hoping to be invited into your inner circle. I suggest you ask Julia to give him a chance. Let her know that you will be in school for the next few years, and that with school comes Rob. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she would try to get to know him because you consider him a good friend. Let her know that he is not a creep looking for a threesome (this could also be a concern of hers, my sources tell me) but a classmate who, like you, is looking to make new friends. Most importantly, continue to include Janie in your school’s events and activities whenever possible. When you started school you started a chapter of your life that does not include Janie, which could be another source of stress on her insecurity.

In the end it will be up to Janie to decide who she can accept into her life, but it will be up to you to decide whether or not to accept her rejection of your friends. I hate to say it, but if she cannot control her jealousy and insecurity your relationship may not be able to last. Couples counseling may be able to help the two of you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Being A Friend Means Standing By During The Painful Times

Dear Tazi:

Do you know that old Beatles’ song “With a Little Help fromMy Friends”?



Well, I do sing out of tune, and my friends did get up and walk out on me! I was so humiliated! A local bar has a regular karaoke night, and I have always wanted to try but was too scared to try. I made a New Year’s resolution that this would be the year I got up and sang, so I chose a song that is always popular that I didn’t think would be too tough to learn (“Jolene”, by Dolly Parton) and I practiced it on and off, in private, for six months. My plan was to WOW my friends, since I am normally shy and only sing in the shower when nobody can hear me.

When I got up to sing my song, one of my friends decided to step outside to have a cigarette. His girlfriend joined him, and another friend had to go to the bathroom at that exact moment – something about the bar food disagreeing with him. My only other friend who was with us felt “awkward” sitting there by herself so she joined the others outside.

I got a smattering of applause after I finished my song so obviously I wasn't a total train wreck and I should feel good about myself, but I am really hurt that my friends didn't stick around to hear me sing! It took a lot of courage for me to get up there and do that, and none of them hung around to watch me. I told them afterwards how hurt I was and they told me not to make such a big deal out of it – it’s just karaoke, not an American Idol audition and that I can sing it again the next time we get together. I would like to try and sing again, because it was fun and since it was dark in the bar I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me, but I don’t want to be known as a one trick pony; the person who can only sing the one song that they have prepared. And what if someone else sings my song first? Then I won’t be able to sing at all!

Am I being unreasonable to ask my friends to apologize for their inconsideration?

Signed,
Shy Dolly

Dear Shy Dolly:

I would first like to congratulate you on overcoming your fear and performing! I, for one, am quite impressed (and if you have ever met a cat you know how hard it is to impress one!). While it would have been nice for your friends to stick around to watch your moment in the spotlight, it is possible that they thought their presence would make you nervous and uncomfortable. This could be why the smoker chose to leave at that exact moment. The friend with intestinal distress should be excused regardless! A shy person should understand why the friend who was left alone felt awkward about sitting there by him/her self; perhaps a little more understanding on your part is what is needed to get your friends to see your point of view. I realize that you were hurt by their absence, but it sounds like you lit into them without giving them a chance to explain themselves (although the friend who needed a bathroom offered what I feel was a very acceptable explanation, and no apology is needed from them!).

There are a lot of people who sing karaoke regularly, and they come prepared with a few “regular” songs that they have rehearsed and know how to perform well. While Jolene is a commonly sung song in many bars – particularly now since an altered version of the song has gone viral – it is a popular one that people like to hear.



If you are not comfortable with the idea of being thought of as a “one trick pony” than don’t be one; learn another song or two that you can add to your repertoire as either a second piece to sing or as a back-up song should your first-choice already be taken. Since you have gotten up to perform once already you now know that you can do it; doing it again will be all the easier, and letting your friends know that their support and attendance is important to you should be enough to keep them in their seats for the five minutes it takes you to perform. I suggest you calmly tell them this and ask that they stay seated during your next performance.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Thin Wife "Too Heavy" For Waif-Loving Husband


Dear Tazi:

I am the type of man who is attracted to extremely thin women. When my wife and I were married 7 years ago, she was a size 00 and I was never more attracted to her! Now, two pregnancies later she is a size 3 – creeping up on a size 5 – and my attraction for her is waning.

I realize that a size 5 is not heavy, and that many women dream of being a size 5, but for me it is just a little too much meat on the bones. My wife is 5-feet, 2-inches so she is still quite petite, but she no longer has the emaciated look that I fell in love with. I realize that having children has changed her body a bit, but I think with a little effort she could get back into a size 0 once more.

I have gained my fair share of weight over the years, so I feel like a bit of a hypocrite asking my wife to lose weight but she tells me that she likes my “extra padding” and that as long as I remain physically healthy she sees nothing wrong with it. A part of me wants to believe her, but the larger part of me thinks she is just trying to fool me into letting her stay at her current weight.

I suppose you are going to paw slap me for this, Tazi, and I suppose I deserve it, but I would like to ask my wife to go on a diet or to even consider plastic surgery to lose the excess weight. At a size 3 (and growing) I am no longer sexually attracted to her and it is taking a toll on our marriage. Do you think it would be okay to ask my wife to do this – for the sake of our marriage, and our children’s well-being? If my marriage falls apart, I fear my children will suffer in a broken home, so in the end this is really about the children, not me.

Signed,
Waif-er

Dear Waif-er:

I would love to offer you s Paw Slap of Disgust, but since you realize that your request is worthy of one, yet you still cannot get over your disgust, I believe that you are suffering from an obsessive fetish, which will require counseling – not a Paw Slap – to overcome.

At 5’2” and a size 3, your wife is very petite. If he bone structure is also petite, then he weight is fine as it is; she is possibly even a little bit underweight, a problem that can cause serious health issues. She should not even be considering weight loss, let along plastic surgery to remove what you call extra weight and what the medical community sees as important body tissue.

You try to make your desires to be about your children, but in the end they are not; they are still all about you, regardless of how you twist them. You are right that children need a loving home, so I suggest that you take steps towards providing one. If possible, why don’t you and your wife join a gym? Exercise is a wonderful way to stay healthy and live a long and energetic life. You may lose the extra padding that you have put on and your wife will be able to add lean muscle mass to her petite frame, as well as short-circuit the chance for osteoporosis that people of petite bone structure often suffer later in life. Exercise while young is a great preventative for bone degeneration when old. A side affect will be a healthier sense of self-esteem, due to all those endorphins that are released during exercise.

I strongly suggest that you see a counselor to deal with your lack of attraction to your already slim wife. I am not entirely certain that her body size is what has killed your attraction to her, since sexual attraction is mental as well as physical. Seeing her as a mother instead of your wife could be a part of your issue, as could a sense of anger that the attention that once belonged solely to you is being split between your children. Your attempts to control your wife’s physical appearance may be seated in a deep rooted desire to control her.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.