Saturday, July 26, 2014

Once Paid, Alimony Is No Longer His Money

Dear Tazi:

When I met my ex-wife, “Tammy”, she was in graduate school for Social Work; knowing that she would never be rich – even after she finished school – I suggested we get married right away, while she was still young and readily able to have children. It was a May-December romance (well, sort of; I am 30 years older than she) and I wanted an heir to carry on my name. After five years of marriage and no children, I divorced Tammy because it was obvious she was not going to give me what I needed; as it turns out, she is infertile. I felt lied to because I felt that this was something she should have known before we got married, but the court felt differently and awarded Tammy a divorce (not an annulment) and several years of alimony.

Since the divorce I have made my alimony payments on time and in full each week, but Tammy is not spending them. Her clothes come from secondhand stores and thrift shops; she lives in a comfortable apartment, but with a roommate to split the costs; and drives the same car she had when we were married – which is now five years old! Our old friends see her out and about and mention to me how far she has fallen financially since our divorce and suggest that I assist her, since Social Work does not pay anywhere near my income bracket. I simply smile and tell them that I pay plenty in alimony; that Tammy will do as Tammy wishes with it.

I never meant in any way to imply that Tammy had a drinking problem or a gambling problem, but this is how some people took it. I discovered this when Tammy showed up on my doorstep one morning demanding to know why I was spreading ugly rumors about her. Since we were confronting each other, I demanded to know what she was spending my alimony on if not to care for herself. When Tammy explained that she was banking it because I “will not always be here” I went through the roof! She is using my money to save for her future in case I die and can no longer pay alimony!

Tazi, I pay alimony so my ex-wife can properly represent my name to society (she did not go back to her maiden name after the divorce). I do not think it is right that my money will be supporting her – and possibly a new husband – after I have passed. This is money that I could be investing as a part of the estate that I will eventually go to my daughters and any future sons I might have. I presented this argument to my attorney, but he told me that it would not stand up in court – if anything, Tammy’s alimony might be adjusted for inflation and that I should accept things as they are.

Tazi, Tammy is a big fan of your column so I know that she is reading this letter. Will you please advise her to do what is morally right? Either spend the money on a decent and proper lifestyle or return it to me!

Not Dead Yet

Dear Not Dead Yet:

I did not realize that it was possible for a heart of stone to beat, and yet you are living proof of it! I base this opinion on the fact that you:

1) Married your ex-wife for her youth which, in your mind, made her “readily able” to have children, your sole purpose for marrying her

2) Assumed that because of her chosen career field she would “never be rich”, as if money is everything in life

3) Divorced your wife after discovering she suffers from infertility

4) Assumed that she knew about – or should have known about – her infertility before you wed

You offer no sympathy for your ex-wife, who must have been heart-broken over the idea of never being a Mom and then having to go through a divorce because she was unable to provide you with an heir; you make thinly veiled statements that lead others to believe that she has a drinking problem, gambling problem, or worse; and then you attempt to take away her financial security because she presented you with your own mortality! Wow, you are an absolute prince!

You should continue to pay Tammy her alimony, if only for the fact that you once loved this woman enough to ask her to marry you and bear you a son, if not because it is court ordered of you. You should also apologize to Tammy for your demanding attitude. Once the money is paid it is hers to do with as she wishes. I think Tammy is right smart to be investing the money for emergencies; retirement; or whatever while living within her means, not your means. She is correct in saying that you will not be around forever and is wise to plan ahead. If you would like to leave a larger estate to your daughters I suggest that you invest in a “whole life” life insurance policy, which will guarantee a set inheritance; once you have a son (if you ever do) you can do the same to provide for him.

Perfunctory snuggles to you, Paws Up to Tammy (“”) (“”),

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Beauty Is More Than Skin Deep; Internet Dating Can Be Fun

Dear Tazi:

I am a twenty-six year old woman and I have never been kissed, never even gone on a date or even been asked out on one. I believe the reason for this is because I am unattractively thin. Even though we live in a world where models and actresses all wear a size zero or double zero, being this thin is not considered attractive in real life.

I am five-foot-ten and wear a size 2. I have tried to gain weight, but am unable to do so – the doctors have told me that there is nothing wrong with my physically; I just have a very fast metabolism. My mother was also very thin, but not as tall as I am. When I start to feel down on myself about my looks, my friends joke that I got the “best” of both my parents physical traits (Dad was very tall) and not to complain – that most women would love to look like me.

I am considering joining a computer-dating site to try and meet someone, but I live in a sparsely populated state and am afraid that nobody local would respond, and I do not want a long-distance relationship. Plus if nobody were to respond I would feel even more unattractive than I already feel; or worse, if people I knew saw my ad I would be totally humiliated.

Do you know of any success stories among people who have tried Internet dating, Tazi? I have my ad written up and a new picture to post with it. All I need is the courage to post it.

Skinny Sadie

Dear Skinny Sadie:

From your physical description of yourself you are quite thin, and it sounds like you are quite sensitive about this. Please do not take your friends’ “jokes” as brushing off your concerns – it is probably genuine envy over your willowy figure. Your low self-esteem could be what is holding you back on the dating scene, more so than your looks. No matter how beautiful a person is, low self-esteem can be difficult for others to handle.

One sure-fire way to boost self-esteem is a make-over. From department stores to thrift stores, there is something out there for every style, physical figure, and budget. With your height and svelte shape, you would look amazing in a jumpsuit or tailored slacks and ruffled bodice blouse. Fashion overalls (like the vintage Victoria’s Secret overalls) would also look good on you. Stay away from short skirts, which will add to your height; or anything long and flowing, or baggy as it will leave you looking shapeless. Once you are feeling good about yourself, the confidence you exude will attract others to you.

You sound quite lonely, so I strongly recommend that you post your ad on a reputable Internet dating site. You never know who you will meet – or where they will be living, so please do not rule out the idea of a long-distance relationship, especially since you live in a “sparsely populated state”. If someone local to you should see your personal ad you should not be embarrassed – it means that they were also online looking to meet someone. By placing an ad online you are telling the world – from your hometown community to the ends of the earth – that you are interested in meeting a person of quality for a relationship. Simply by letting it be known that you are available you will attract people who would like to get to know you better. You do not need to place an ad to do this – you could simply set your social networking profiles to “Single and looking”.

I know of several successful relationships that have started through the computer, including my Mommie and Daddy, who just celebrated seven years together; her cousin and his wife (a formerly long-distance couple) who recently celebrated five years of marriage; and blogging celebrity couple Jen and “The Hubs”, who I do not know personally, but adore just the same! I suggest you take a chance at joining the ranks of the happily computer-connected!


P.S. I met my lady friend the old fashioned way – by hissing at her when she jumped over the fence into my backyard. I do not think this would work for humans, though.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Sexless Marriage Can Only Be Endured For So Long

I will cut right to the chase. I am a high ranking police officer and a Deacon in my church. I have spent my life upholding the laws of man and the laws of God, but I now find myself tempted to break the latter.

I have been married for twenty years and during that time my wife and I have only had sex a handful of times. “Joyce” was saving herself for marriage when we met, which was once of the things that attracted me to her. It was not until our honeymoon that she told me she believed sex should be for procreation only, and that she was not ovulating that week. I’ll leave you to figure out the details. As disappointed as I was to find this out, I had just taken my marriage vows! I thought Joyce was just a scared newlywed and that things would change. They did not. Joyce and I have three children, all grown, and let me tell you, Joyce was pretty accurate about when she was ovulating, so it has been a very frustrating twenty years. My youngest child is graduating high school this year, and my plan was to retire from the police force and find myself a cozy bachelor apartment. I was not planning on divorcing Joyce – I intended to honor my wedding vows – I figured we would just live separate lives. That was until I discovered “Veronica”.

Veronica is the new Receptionist at my church office. She and I work closely together because I am often in there on church business. At first I thought she was a nice lady, pleasant enough to be a Receptionist but nothing more. Then I got to know her and found out she is recently divorced and going to school to become a Nurse, working as a Receptionist to pay the bills that the alimony does not. Like me, she was married to someone who felt sex was a sin it was not procreational, only her case is a bit different because she got married in her mid-thirties and found out she was infertile after only two years of being married. For the first time in my life I feel like I have met a woman who understands me, and Veronica and I have become quite close.

Don’t misunderstand me, Tazi, I’ve had my share of women hitting on me; but I have always honored my vows, out of respect for my wife and kids and respect for my God and church. Now things feel different, since I was planning on going solo for my remaining years. Normally, I would talk to my pastor about my problems but this is just a little too cozy for comfort. What do you think I should do?

The Captain
Dear Captain:

I think you should have sought marriage counseling several years ago. Since that ship has sailed, I think you need to consider Veronica’s position. She is a Receptionist, a low-ranking position in the church; you are a Deacon, a person of higher rank and respect; as well as a ranking police officer, also a person of power and respect. You have not mentioned if Veronica has expressed interest in you or if you have mentioned your interest in her, but you put her in a difficult position.

If you were to leave your wife to be with Veronica, who do you think is going to bear the brunt of the blame? Tongues will most definitely be wagging, and unless you want to violate your wife’s privacy those tongues are going to be calling Veronica a Jezebel! Furthermore, if Veronica does not have romantic feelings for you she may be hesitant to say anything for fear of losing her job, being harassed in the community by your brothers in blue, or suffering employment discrimination down the road (police and hospitals work closely together).

It does not sound like Veronica has been divorced for very long, and it does sound like she is concentrating on improving her life – starting with her return to school and working for the means to pay for it. Nursing school is extremely demanding and the stresses of a normal relationship can be enough to drive one to distraction, lest the relationship unravel and fail. The relationship you seek to start with Veronica cannot be considered “normal” under the circumstances and would be doomed to difficulty even if she was not in school.

Since you were planning on moving out of your family home and into a “bachelor apartment” before you met Veronica, I suggest you stay that course. Perhaps a separation is what you and your wife both need in order to clear the air between the two of you. Should you decide to remain separated, I would suggest a legal separation over a divorce with consideration for your status in the Church. People rarely take it well when their religious leaders go through a divorce and want to know the details as to why it is happening. Once separated, I think your sex life should be an issue between you and your conscience – I am not going to judge you; but I am not comfortable advising you, either.

If after an appropriate amount of time has passed you still seek to court Veronica, make it abundantly clear to all that it is you who sought her, not the other way around. Whether you realize it or not, you hold much of the power in this situation, and could do a lot of harm to the reputations of both your wife and Veronica if you do not consider things from their point of view.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.