Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Votes Are In; Man Is Proclaimed #$@% By His Friends

[Ed. Note: The explicit language in the following letter has been removed, but is alluded to out of necessity. The content of the letter may offend some readers. The response should not].

[Note to Non-American Readers: The insult used in the following letter is the worst thing you can call an American man. It refers to a feminine post-menstrual cleansing product. --TK]

Dear Taz:

Apparently, I am a [French word for "shower"] bag. A while back on Facebook, someone started "National Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day" and I received no less than a dozen "*SMACK*" comments on my page. At first, I had no idea why I was getting these comments, then someone explained to me that it was Smack A [French word for "shower"] Bag Day and asked me if I needed them to paint me a clearer picture.

Taz-man, I had no idea that this is what people thought of me. I always thought of myself as the guy with the cool charm that ladies love - kinda like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Bond - with a sense of humor and intelligence that puts me a cut above your ordinary average guy. Could I be wrong? Could this explain why I have had trouble finding a woman that will keep me around for more than just a few months? And why people make fun of my job as a pre-owned luxury-car salesman? Am I that much of a [French word for "shower"] bag? Or do you think my friends were just [expletive] with me?

[French word for "shower"] Bag?

Dear [French word for "shower"] Bag:

Did you really have to be so explicit with the language? I wasn't going to print your letter because of the content, but realized that this is an issue that desperately needs more attention among the Jersey Shore generation, so here it is. Apologies to any readers I have offended for publishing this. I know I felt like rinsing my eyeballs in Clorox bleach after reading it. Now, onto the issue at hand...

Note that I left off the "?" at the end of your signature. Also note that my name is TAZI, with an "I", not "Taz" (except to my close friends and family) and certainly not "Taz-man". You may also take notice that I censored your inappropriate language. When I started to read your letter, I thought maybe you were being bullied; but it appears that is not the case. If you are this annoying in person I can see why your friends chose this very special way to stage your intervention.

You do not ask me for advice, just my opinion, so in answer to your question my answer is no, I do not think your friends were "just [expletive] with you"; I think they were trying to tell you what you fail to notice about yourself. Seriously, even I - a tom-cat - do not find Arnold Schwarzenegger to be the kind of man I would want to imitate, let alone compare myself; and if James Bond were a real person a lot of women would put him into that same category.

You write that you consider yourself to be "a cut above your ordinary average guy". My research tells me that this is the very definition of a "bag". offers 41 pages of definitions for this compound word, my two favorite being:

8) An individual with an inflated self-esteem who is deeply deficient in social skills. They laugh loudly at their own jokes, quote themselves repeatedly, and are never as entertaining to others as they are to themselves.

10) A person who has no idea what they are talking about yet act like they are a smart person by knowlege from other people. They act out to be intelligent and gifted only to realize they are mearly a fake idiot with no idea about what is really happening in the world.

If you recognize yourself in the definitions above, there is hope for you yet. Feel free to write back if you would like some advice.

No snuggles for you!
-- Tazi

P.S. It could have been worse. My extensive research shows that your your friends could have voted you a "nozzle" or a "canoe" instead of a "bag"

Much thanks to for the wonderful definitions provided! --TK

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