Sunday, October 14, 2012

Tazi's Corner Issue #15 - Autumn Appreciations

Dear Readers:

Autumn is here!  Or fall, if that is what you prefer to call it; regardless, the season has arrived!  Being a cat, this is my favorite season of the year.  From the grumblings I hear from humans, autumn also sounds like the most under-appreciated time of the year.  I have heard many complaints about how the days are getting shorter (more time for naps!) and the cold weather is coming.  This may be true, but the cold weather is not here yet, so let’s enjoy the beauty of autumn while we can!  To help you appreciate the wonders of this season, I will walk you through my day, so you can see it from your cat’s point of view:

5:30 AM – I have to wake up my Mommie!  She needs to be at work by 9:00 AM, which means she only has three hours to get ready.  She doesn't need nearly this much time, but that is beside the point; the truth of the matter is that I want my morning treat and some outside time!  An autumn sunrise is a cornucopia of color and I do not want to miss it! 

5:35 AM – Loud, obnoxious meowing has not worked in waking Mommie; maybe if I sit backwards on her chest and whack her in the face with my tail a few dozen times. 

5:45 AM – I seem to have angered this slumbering beast.  I will let her sleep a little while longer and amuse myself by looking out the window.  It is still dark, but I can see in low light.  I like the autumn dark!  There is a crisp coolness about it that I can feel through the window glass.  It makes me want to snuggle into a blanket and watch as the world goes by me.  I am so relaxed; maybe Mommie has the right idea by sleeping in…

6:45 AM – I will wait no longer!  I walk up and down on top of Mommie until she gets up out of bed and feeds me!  Doesn't she realize her purpose in life is to take care of my every need and to indulge my every whim?
When training your human, consistency is key!
6:50 – Temptations treats at last!  Ahh…I must now supervise Mommie as she posts my column to the social networking sites.  No offense, but I cannot trust humans to do things right without my corrective paw by their side. 

6:55 AM – Outside time!  I slowly poke my head out of the door as my Co-Mommie stands there impatiently asking me if I want in or out.  Why does this have to be an either/or kind of thing?  Can’t I do both at the same time?

7:00 AM – Hide under the deck and scan the area for predators…and my overly-persistent lady friend.  Doesn’t she understand that I am not interested?  Once the coast is clear, I will be on the prowl!

7:01 AM – 8:00 AM – I am on the prowl!  The smell of dead and dying leaves is in the air….and is that a hint of sage?  Mommie’s herb garden is fighting the changing weather.  The leaves are on the ground now, and they are all bright yellow, red, and orange – my black fur would look so sexy against those vibrant colors!  Maybe I will hide in a pile of them and take a quick nap, if I have time. 

"Right Said Fred" was wrong!  Nobody is too sexy for their cat!
Oh, look!  A pumpkin; or as I like to call it a squirrel trap!  Silly things chew a hole in the shell and climb right inside of it!  I wonder what I would do with those things if I ever caught one.  Probably give it to Mommie.  I would put it right on her pillow so she would be sure not to miss it!  This pumpkin must still be fresh; I can’t smell much through the shell.  In a few weeks the scent of pumpkin will permeate the air.  Too bad you humans will be unable to smell it, what with your inferior olfactory systems!  What was that?  Is that a toad over there in the tall grass?  I must investigate!  I will be careful; last week a hawk tried to drag me off but I was too heavy…maybe I should talk to Mommie about the evils of this diet she has me on – skinny kitty = raptor prey!  Is that Mommie’s voice?  Is she calling me to come in already?  Uh-oh, she just called me a “petulant kitty” and told me she will “slap the black out of me” if I don’t get in the house RIGHT NOW!  I’d better…oh, look!  A chipmunk!  I will bring Mommie one as a present to show her how much I love her!  She can’t be angry with me for being late if I come bearing gifts!

8:15 AM – Apparently Mommie CAN be angry with me for being late, even when I come bearing gifts!  How could she not like a live chipmunk?  They are such fun to chase around the house! Why is she letting it back outside?  Now what am I supposed to do all day?  Nap?

8:16 AM – 12:00 Noon – Wow, that was a refreshing nap!  I think I will explore the house to see if anyone left a window open.  If I can crawl through it there will be more time to explore! 

12:15 PM – drat!  The windows are all open but there are screens in them!  *pluck* *pluck* *pluck* These screens are not ripping; they are made with the good stuff!  I can smell a wood-burning stove from somewhere outside.  Why must you torture this kitty so?

12:16 PM – 2:30 PM – Stare out the window.  Is that the Chihuahua next door dressed up in an orange parka?  I hope he is dressed up for Halloween and not to go hunting with Dick Cheney!  I’ll miss you, little guy!  Why you subject yourself to the humiliation of a leash is beyond the power of my understanding.  Oh, I see…because the alternative is a stroller, like the dog coming down the street in one right now.  Isn't putting the dog in a stroller completely defeating the purpose of a taking the dog for a walk?  What’s next, a cat in diapers?
Oh.  I think I may have spoke too soon!
2:30 PM – 5:00 PM – It’s time to change windows.  Looking out the back window, I get a view of cottontail bunnies bouncing from one piece of clover to another.  Their brown fur disguises them well against the dying grass, but their little white bottoms betray their location.  I wonder what I would do with one of those things if I ever caught one.  Probably present it to Daddy (a.k.a. the man formally known as “Uncle”; I’ve promoted him).  Daddy deserves gifts, especially since Mommie doesn’t appreciate my offerings of love.  I will put it right on top of his clean laundry, so he will be certain to find it! 

5:01 PM – After 5:00 already?  Mommie and Daddy will be home soon, and I have been so distracted by the sights of autumn that I haven’t made a lick of progress in my plans for world domination! 

5:02 PM – 5:30 PM – Sit atop my Tower of Power looking down upon my realm.  Co-Mommie has put out candles that smell like apples and cinnamon, two yummy fall scents.  Note to self: do not try to eat the candles.  They do not taste nearly as good as they smell.  When cats rule the world we will rectify this problem.

5:31 PM – Ignore Mommie.  What kind of person abandons the cat all day?  I will find her when I want some kitty snax and parlay her guilt into a tasty treat; but for now, a nap!  I have another busy day tomorrow!

This is but a sample of what my limited range covers!  I have heard that humans get to do things like apple picking, hayrides, haunted houses, leaf peeping, hikes along the Appalachian Trail, bike ride in the autumn air, tailgate at football games…the list of autumn fun is endless! 

I, Tazi-Kat will now do you a favor and end this column here so you can go out and take advantage of all the fun adventure that awaits you!  You can thank me for this generosity by supporting my bid for President of the United StatesWrite in Tazi-Kat in 2012!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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