Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Tazi's Christmas Newsletter

Dear Readers,

A Merry Christmas to all who celebrate!

I have discovered that it is the time of year that Christmas newsletters fill the mailbox (I have even received a few in my mailbox, from those who know my home address, and my email, from those who do not. I thank all of you who thought of me!). I hate feeling left out of your human traditions, so I have decided to write my own Christmas newsletter and share it with you here! I meant to publish it a few weeks ago, but it kept getting bumped by what my Editor called "more important stuff".  What could be more important than the cat, I don't know, but here we go...

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Holiday Greetings to One and All!

It has been a busy year here at the Tazi-Kat household! As you all know, I FINALLY got Mommie to follow my orders and assist me in the typing of an online advice column.  Ask Tazi! has taken off as a fun and popular venture, although not as profitable as I have hoped – I am still dependent upon the humans to purchase my kitty snax, but one day soon I hope to see financial independence from the advertising revenues.

Soon, very soon, this pig will be full of treat money for ME!!!!!

In other big news, this was the year that I figured out how to escape the fenced backyard! The humans thought that they had plugged up all of the holes under the fence, but I found one in the corner by the back of the deck. It is a tight squeeze (maybe Mommie is right about me needing to lose weight) but I manage. One of these days, I will learn how to climb trees and then over the fence I will go! I did try this once, but got myself stuck and had to meow for help. How embarrassing was that?

Not quite this embarrassing, but embarrassing enough!
We had a mild winter here in Southern New England, for which I was quite grateful after the six-foot snowdrifts I experienced in Winter 2010; I learned the hard way that snow, unlike the ground beneath it, is not solid. Since the white stuff was too deep for me to move my legs, I had to be rescued by the humans; they made me spend the rest of the winter indoors, deprived of squirrels to chase! 

No laughing at my humiliation, please!

Thankfully, this past winter was much different and I spent most of it outside romancing the local lady cats. Speaking of lady cats, I found me a new Lady Friend this year! She is a stunning grey and white short-hair who knows how to climb over a fence without getting stuck! How fortuitous!

This past spring – or was it summer? A cat’s days blend one into the other…anyway, as I was saying; I managed to catch not one but TWO live chipmunks and brought them into the house to play! Mommie was not overly happy with this development, and I cannot understand why! I brought her a chipmunk of her very own; she didn’t have to share! Next time I think I will try for a squirrel; chipmunks no longer hold the challenge they once did.

The biggest news of the year is that I promoted my Uncle-Person to Daddy! One morning this summer, the evil humans who supposedly care for me were demanding that I come inside before I was ready – something about how they had to go to that place where they earn money to buy me food – so they left me outside! It was going to rain, and my Uncle was the only one who cared enough to punch-out at work and come and let me in the house; he was promoted to Daddy later that day! I also have another new family member – Jingles the Mouse! I am not sure how much I like her; she lives in a clear glass tank so I can watch her but not play with her. What is the point of that?

In other news, the Mommie person continues to be neglectful of my litter boxes, only cleaning them every other day. My five food bowls could stand a little more attention…I discovered a new brand/flavor of food that I like, and am now refusing to eat any of my regular brand (unless I am really, really hungry; then I suffer through it), and no matter how many kitty snax I get, too much is never enough. I am learning how to understand Spanish, although I cannot speak it. I think more humans should learn how to speak “cat-ese”. You already meow at us; you could at least learn the meaning of what you are saying!

Well, that is all the excitement that is going on here! There is no Hubs to be promoted to partner in the law firm; no Biff the achieve straight-A’s at Harvard; no Muffy to be voted Student Government President or Head Cheerleader…the furthest that I travel is next door, to visit Bentley the Chihuahua so I have no details of exotic trips to bore you with or make you envious.  I do not play bridge, Bunco, or hang out at the cluuuuuuub, and I don’t think you would like to hear me brag about how large my last hairball was, so it looks like I will end this letter here!   

No self-respecting cat would hairball on the hardwoods!

I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday, and a wonderful New Year!  May all of your dreams come true!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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