Monday, March 11, 2013

Choice Between Good Man And Bad-Boy A Difficult One For Woman To Make

Dear Tazi:

Help! I am in love with a man who is a "bad boy". He drinks, parties, rides a motorcycle, and has tattoos...and I never feel so alive as I do when I am with "Severus". I would love to commit to him, but I am afraid that he would end up cheating on me or leaving me for another woman. He says he would not, but I see some of the women who flirt with him, and I don't think I could ever compete with them.

On the other end of the spectrum is "Harry", a buttoned-down, responsible kind of guy. Harry is a stockbroker, so I think you can picture the type. He is crazy in love with me and has asked me to give him a chance, telling me that he will not play with my heart; that he will give me the respect a lady deserves and that he would never stray. The problem is, Harry is kind of boring, especially when I compare him to Severus.

With Harry, I know my evening will involve dinner at a very fancy restaurant and drinks at an upscale jazz club, followed by a very polite (but chaste) kiss goodnight. With Severus, I never know where the night might take us! We may start out having dinner in a quiet restaurant and then end up taking a drive to Disney World to watch the fireworks, and even create some fireworks of our own later on (we live in the Greater Orlando area, so this is not as extreme as it might sound).

With Harry, I know I will have a stable, predictable life and never have to worry about money; because of this, I told Severus I could no longer see him. While this pleased Harry to no end, Severus got angry and asked why I was settling, asking if things would be different if he had money like Harry has. I told him no, but I don't think I convinced either of us. As it turns out Severus is very wealthy. He inherited his wealth at a young age, after his parents died in a plane crash, and invested well. He is a silent partner in several successful businesses, which is why he never appears to have to go to work but always has money. How I could never have known this about him in the first place I don't know; I guess its because he never wanted to talk about what he did for a living (which made me think he might be dealing drugs) and he lives in a modest apartment.

As you might have guessed, I now want Severus back. Does this make me a gold-digger, or just a woman who is trying to be smart about her future? Should I stay with Harry, or risk losing him, too, in order to try to get Severus back?

Bird In Hand

Dear Bird In Hand:

I assume that you are hoping that one of these relationships will lead to marriage and many happy years together. To start, I will answer your question about treasure hunting: Are you looking for a man to support you financially, or are you just looking for a man that you will not have to support? There is a big difference between the two, and your answer will give you the answer you seek.

Your original attraction to Severus was because he made you feel alive. In speaking with women who have dated this type, they all say that this is the initial (but often not lasting) attraction they feel towards "bad boys"; in the end, they always ended up leaving because they wanted the party to end while the guy wanted to keep right on living life as he always has. Can you see your attraction to Severus lasting if he chooses not to settle down and to keep on living his spontaneous lifestyle? Do you think that, once you are committed to each other, you would want Severus to change? You mention that you are concerned that he would cheat, in spite of his protests that he would not. Can you learn to trust him, or would you want him to start staying at home more? In short, can you see yourself taking up full-time residency in Severus' world?

Now to look at the other side of the coin: Harry is obviously on the marriage and family track. He respects you - and himself - in such a way that he will not get physically involved with you until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Ergo, you can trust him not to cheat and you can trust him to stand by you during times of uncertainty. However, there is still the problem that being with Harry bores you. Have you suggested alternative date ideas to Harry? I am not suggesting you try to turn him into Severus, but a night in Disney World sounds like a blast!

Disney World? Let's get this party started!

What you appear to have is two men that represent the two extremes that life has to offer. If you cannot find happiness with either one just as they are, you may be better off looking for someone who lives life in the happy medium that you seek.


P.S. Did you have to go all Harry Potter on me with the pseudonyms? He is not one of my sponsors...yet!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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