Friday, March 22, 2013

Is Online Flirting Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I think my husband might be cheating, but I am not certain. A single friend of mine was on a dating website and saw his picture and a profile, claiming he was single and looking! She responded, pretending to be an interested party, and he wrote back to her! She said the emails went on for about a week, with him saying he would like to meet her, but when she tried to pin him down for a firm date he never responded. This is when she told me to see if he recognized her as my friend (he has never met her, so no) or to see if he was simply looking to flirt with other women, like a lot of men do on online dating sites (according to her).

Tazi, I am puzzled as to why my friend would do this to me - what if my husband really was looking? She says she would not have accepted a date with him, but I am not certain I can believe her. I want to approach my husband about his online profile, but I don't know if I should. If I tell him how I discovered it, I am afraid he will try to turn the situation around and accuse me of spying on him and setting him up! My husband is always at home, and when he does go out it is usually with me, so I can't see where he would have time to cheat. I don't recognize any new female faces among his Facebook friends, and I checked his cell phone and did not find any unfamiliar numbers in the call log. My friend suggested that he might be using a burn phone to call them and a fake Facebook account to socialize. My head is spinning and I don't know what to do next!

Loving Wife

Dear Loving Wife:

The first thing I would do is stop listening to your friend! While I can understand why she thinks she is looking out for you her behavior and her comments are only bringing distance between you and the trust you have for your husband.

I will say that your friend is correct on one issue: a lot of happily committed men will "window shop" on dating websites not because they want to see what is out there but because they want an ego boost. When is the last time you told your husband how handsome he looks? When was the last time you called him sexy and gave him a long, lingering kiss? I have often said that just because a woman does not want another man does not mean she doesn't appreciate the fact that other men want her. Men feel the same way, but are usually expected to be the aggressor in a relationship; therefore, they window shop for compliments. It is not a very nice thing to do - raising the hopes of women who are seeking romance with a nice man - but it does not mean that these men (your husband included) are looking to cheat. The fact that he cut off all contact when your friend tried to initiate a date speaks to his loyalty to you.

You have investigated the matter on your own and found no evidence that your husband is cheating. I doubt he is using a burn phone and fake social media accounts - that is the stuff out of Harlequin romance novels. Whether or not you want to address this situation with your husband is a choice only you can make. If you do tell him, you must be prepared for how he will react; his feelings may run the gamut from guilt to anger and he may try to deflect blame from himself onto you. Such a confrontation may not be something you are ready to handle. If I were you, I would gently mention that I think someone is playing a practical joke on your husband by placing a personal ad with his picture and flirting with the women who respond. (This, too, is a possibility). This will give him the chance to see how hurt you are by this behavior and to take down the profile before it can do any more damage. It will also allow you to give him a second chance at making things right between the two of you.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

No comments:

Post a Comment