Sunday, March 10, 2013

Tazi's Corner #35 - Tazi Rants On Winter, And Shares The Perils Of Being A Man

Dear Readers,

Did you remember to mess with your biological schedule by turning your clocks one hour ahead last night? As a cat, it makes no difference to me when or where I sleep, but I care about this whole Daylight Savings Time thing for one reason and one reason only: it means spring is almost here!

Since I am approximately eight inches tall, the amount of snow that New England has experienced this season has left me - and my neighbor, Bentley the Chihuahua - in dire straits!

At least I have a litter box...
Just when I thought all that horrible, cold white stuff was gone it went and reincarnated itself! I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands, and went outside to have a talk with it.

As you can see, the conversation did not go well.

I have no idea why Barry Manilow so fondly remembers his Winter in New England; I for one am ready for it to be over! I am ready for the sun to shine, the grass to turn green, and those red and yellow tulip things to bloom so I can sit among them and have the world coo over how cute I look.

I am one sexy beast, aren't I?

Anyway, enough about my issues and onto today’s topic! Here I thought my life was rough when I discovered the perils of being a human male extend further than having to chase after human females for a date! (I do not have this problem; my lady friends always manage to find me).

I have known for years that men, just like women, have their ritual grooming habits. Unlike women, whose habits involve approximately 500 different steps and involve tubes, bottles, and compacts full of stuff that is supposed to moisturize, reduce wrinkles, and turn them into a supermodel, male grooming products are kept to a minimum and habits are divided into three phases: Sh*t, Shower, and Shave. Some men mix up the order, and Sh*t, Shave, and Shower, which makes no sense to me, since hot steam opens up the pores and makes shaving easier…but this is not for me to judge; merely to observe…but it does beg the question: Do any men out there Shave, Sh*t and Shower? Or Shower, Shave and Sh*? I would think you would want to do that last one first, so you can give yourself a proper cleaning…as a cat, you have no idea how jealous I am. Do you know what I have to do to clean back there? Back to the topic before I reveal things that you do not want to hear…

Recently, during my kitty-cat roving, I overheard my uncle-person describing how taking a dump (or, to use the technical term, Sh*t) is not without risk. Unlike women, who NEVER defecate, he was exposed not only to a nasty smell, requiring the need to spray a scented, germ-killing chemical into the air (think Lysol or Febreeze); he was exposed to bacteria, like e-coli, with only a thin layer of tissue between his hands and the deadly germs (*shudder* I hope it was at least two-ply tissue!)…somehow, he made it through without harm…we hope. E-coli can take a few days to incubate.

My uncle-person is a pretty big guy, so I figured his immune system could handle a few germs and he would come out on the other end unscathed. However, I got a little worried when I saw him take on Phase 2, or Shave as he called it, which involves scraping a sharp razor across the front of his throat and over his jugular and carotid arteries – not just once, but repeatedly!! Watching him was like watching that scene in The Color Purple, where Ceilie was considering slitting Mr.___'s throat with the straight razor as she shaved him. Truly a moment to hold your breath in wonder…but again, my uncle-person made it through without a scratch! Such bravery, and yet somehow he found it within himself to move on to Phase 3.

The last phase of this male ritual, Shower, appeared to the most risky of all! For starters, it involved getting wet! Ugh! You poor humans, but if that is not enough this dreadful phase involved the deliberate pouring of hot water over the naked skin! What if someone, unaware of what was going on in there, decided at that very moment to throw a load of laundry into the washer, siphoning off the cold water, and scalding my uncle-person! Or worse. siphoning off the hot water, leading to the possibility of hypothermia – or at the very least, a nasty shock! Adding to this precarious balance of man versus nature is the need to use soap which, when gotten into one's eyes, can burn like crazy!!! Oh! Never have I ever been so glad to be a cat, immune to the societal expectations of human hygiene!

Hearing of this ritual from one that experiences it firsthand has truly opened my eyes to the perils of being a human man. I guess this explains why, in the natural order of things, for every 100 live human female births, there are 105 live human male births. The risks they must face on a daily basis thin their herds considerably. Ladies! Cherish your men, for you never know when their hygiene rituals might do them in!

So glad that I am a cat, and get to do my business in a box – which reminds me, I need to tell Mommie to go clean it.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

No comments:

Post a Comment