Friday, April 5, 2013

"Other Woman" Had No Idea "Her" Man Was Someone Else's

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a man for six months, and I have fallen deeply in love with him. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I believed him. He travels a lot for work, so I did not think much of his absences from my life until I got an email from his wife! She found a message from me in his open email account. It turns out he is married and has a family, and his "business trips" were actually how he got away from her to see me, and vice-versa. When he was with me, he would tell his wife he was away on business; when he needed to be with her and his children, he would tell me he had a business trip. The worst part is he doesn't need to travel for business at all! He lied to me when I met him (he was actually on a family vacation when he came to my town!).

He told me that he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me. He told me that he was going to divorce his wife so we could be together, just as soon as his children were out of school for the summer. One of them has been struggling, and he thinks the trauma would set the child back in his studies. I believed him until his wife sent me a second email with a scanned copy of the divorce papers attached to it. It turns out she filed for divorce as soon as she found out about me.

Tazi, I feel sick! Not only has my boyfriend lied to me, I feel like a home-wrecker! Had I known he was married I would never have gotten involved with him. I emailed his wife back and told her this, but she simply responded that what was done was done and could not be undone. I want to break up with my boyfriend over this whole fiasco, but I am not sure that I should. On the one hand, he lied to me and turned me into something I never thought I would be - the other woman. To stay with him would reward his bad behavior and make me feel like he only chose me because his wife left him. Who wants someone else's sloppy seconds? Not me! On the other hand, I still love him and would hate it if he found someone else. I feel like this is my one chance to find happiness with the man I love...and yet I am move forward. What would you suggest, Tazi?

The Other Woman

Dear The Other Woman:

I can understand why you are reeling from this whole situation, which is probably why you are unable to think clearly. The man you love has turned out to be someone else entirely, and it appears that you are desperately trying to convince yourself that this is not true and that he really does exist. Whether his soon-to-be ex-wife is emailing you out of spite, concern for your future, or a little of both must be set aside for the moment so you can look at the cold, hard facts of the matter:

1. Your boyfriend lied to you about being married, about having to travel for work, and about initiating a divorce to be with you. Not only is this a long record of lies, but it leads to questions about what actually is true.

2. If this man was not traveling for work, who was paying his travel expenses? Was he financially stable enough to cover them personally? Was he maxing out his credit cards to come see you? Was he embezzling funds from work? These are serious questions that need honest answers.

3. Is anything that you love about this man a part of who he really is, or is it all part of a facade that he created to impress you?

I think the most important thing you need to look at is the fact that you met this guy while he was on vacation with  his family! What kind of louse would walk away from his family for a fling with a woman he just met? What lies was he telling his wife and children in order to get away from them to come spend time with you?

I realize that your heart is broken, and several pints of ice cream and a Sex and the City marathon will be required to heal it, but in the end I would say that this man's not worth your tears, and that his soon-to-be ex-wife did you a favor by revealing his true colors to you. His lies could not have gone on forever, and the longer you two stayed together, the deeper and more tangled those lies would become.

At this point, you have done nothing wrong; you did not know he was married, so you are a victim, too. If you choose to continue to see this man you will become an accomplice to his vile behavior. That hesitancy you feel is your conscience telling you to do the right thing and walk away.

Extra Snuggles,

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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