Friday, July 26, 2013

Daughter Seeks To Fly Away From Helicopter Mom

Dear Tazi:

My mother is the type of Mom who feels the need to control my entire life. Last week we were out running errands and I had to stop for gas. She got out of the car and insisted on pumping it for me because she is convinced that I don’t know how to do it right and I am going to end up somehow damaging the car. Another time I was weeding the garden and she took over for me because I was doing it wrong. Other things she is convinced I cannot do include without hurting myself or the appliances are filling my freezer, vacuuming, or doing any kind of cleaning.

As a child I was not allowed to roller blade or ride my bike because she was convinced that I would fall and end up in traction. She does not know that I know, but Mom drives by my house late at night to make sure that I am home alone; she actually called the police once because she saw “a suspicious car” outside of my house after midnight. Tazi, it was my boyfriend’s car, and yes, he was spending the night!

I am very seriously considering taking a job opportunity that is on the other side of my state (I live in a big state) just to get away from my Mom, but I am afraid she will just pack up and follow me. I know this sounds paranoid, but she actually said once that I would be lost without her and wouldn’t know the first thing about living on my own without her nearby. I know this is not true. I think my mother is actually referring to herself.

Tazi, do you think I should take this new job just to put some distance between me and my mother? I am happy with my current job and my current home town and I don’t want to risk losing it all and having the same problem with my Mom wherever I end up living.


Dear S’Mothered:

Are you by chance the only child of a woman who lost her husband at a young age? It just sounds to me that your mother lives for you and is afraid that if she loses you she will have nobody left. While every mother should love her child, she must also give her child two very important gifts: roots to ground her and wings to let her fly. Your mother has done well in providing roots; now it is time she give you your wings. Try phrasing your argument in this kind manner when you talk to your mother about needing more space and freedom.

...along with a request to put down the bull horn!

Whether or not you should take a job opportunity on the other side of your large state depends upon your reasons for taking it. If you are accepting the job solely on the hope that it will take you away from your mother than it is not a good idea to take the job; if you are looking to take the job because it will offer you a better financial picture and more career stability with better opportunities for advancement than take the job without questioning your judgment!

If you take the job I suggest you allow your mother to help you with your move, simply so she can feel secure in the knowledge that you are secure and well cared for in your new home. Take her out to explore the area and let her see that it is safe and you will be, too, living there. Tell her that you will call or email her regularly with the highlights of what is going on in your life and hope that she will do the same (and then follow through on this). Let your mother know that you appreciate all that she has done for you, but that it is now time for both of you to move forward with your lives. Every mother bird must eventually see her chicks fly from the nest; your time is now.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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