Friday, August 2, 2013

Spouse Wants To Know, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"

Dear Tazi:

You know the stereotype that husbands always forget their wedding anniversary? Well in my marriage it’s my wife who forgets it. I’m the type of guy who brings home flowers for no reason other than I love my wife; who will take her out to dinner during the week simply because she had a hard day at work; buy her a nice piece of jewelry because it matches her eyes; and yes, remember important dates like the anniversary of the day we met, our first kiss, the day she found out she was expecting our first child, etc. I get nothing in return.

I am not asking for my wife to reciprocate all that I do, but a nice card once in a while or having my shirt collars starched would be appreciated. I very much feel taken for granted. All of my wife’s friends tell me how lucky she is to have a guy like me, and that I could teach their husbands a thing or two about making a woman happy…yet I feel like I can’t even make my own wife happy!

Last week was our wedding anniversary and I made a big to-do about it, getting up early to make the coffee and bringing home flowers before taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. When she asked me what the occasion was, I told her “our anniversary”! A huge fight ensued, because she insisted our anniversary was next month; that we were married in July, not June! How can a woman forget her own wedding anniversary?

When we got home I dug out our marriage certificate (which I keep in the safe) and showed her the date on it. All she said was “oops” and apologized, but I feel like I deserve more. I feel like she does not want to be a part of this marriage. When I told her so, she apologized again and told me that she is “just not the romantic type” and that I knew that when I married her. I love my wife and I don’t want to leave her; I just want her to change. Is that so wrong?

Lovelorn Lorne

Dear Lovelorn Lorne:

It has been said that a man marries a woman hoping she will never change and that a woman marries a man hoping he will. It sounds as if your situation is the reverse, but my response is the same: you have to accept a person for whom they are and accept that although people do change, it may not be in the way we want them to change.

The efforts you make to please your wife are wonderful, and so long as they are made out of love without expectation of reciprocity they are sincere. You cannot force someone to rise to your level, so while it would be nice to receive something in return for your actions you cannot demand it of your wife; it must come from the heart.

You say that you would like her to starch your shirt collars for you. Have you ever asked her to do this or are you hoping she will just know? Communication is the key to any successful relationship – from business to romance – and you need to make sure you are doing it right; this means not only taking action, but also sitting back and listening and watching. What are the things your wife does do to show you that she loves you? She may have forgotten the exact date of your anniversary, but she expressed thanks for the special evening you gave her – something that does not sound too out of the ordinary, from the way your letter reads. Does she always say thank you for the things you do for her? Does she cook you savory and nutritious meals on the nights you do not go out to eat? Does she do your laundry and your ironing for you? Does she take good care of your children’s day to day needs? And most importantly, does she do all of this while working a full-time job? It could be that your wife is a little too overwhelmed to remember what day it is, let alone the actual date and the significance of it.

The next time you get the urge to buy flowers and jewelry, why not use the money to hire a maid to come over and clean the house while sending your wife to the spa for the day? An occasional day of rejuvenation may be just what she needs to rekindle her spark – and thus the spark in your marriage.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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