Monday, October 28, 2013

Separated From Wife, Man Wonders If Baby Is Really His

Dear Tazi:

About a year ago, my wife and I separated. We were headed for divorce when she called me out of the blue and asked me to come over so we could try and talk things through. I still loved my wife, in spite of our problems, so I did. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I was hoping it would be a fresh start for the two of us, and it was – six weeks later she told me she was pregnant.

One of the issues in my marriage was that we had been having trouble conceiving, so of course I was thrilled that this hurdle had been overcome…then I noticed that my wife was showing a little too soon, and was carrying a little larger than I thought normal. I started to suspect that the baby was not mine and that my wife had been fooling around with another man. I asked “Wanda” if she was playing me for a fool, and she denied it; acting very hurt and suggesting that I was looking for a way to abandon her during her pregnancy.

My son was born a few weeks early, which has fed my suspicions that he is not mine. Yes, he resembles my side of the family, but he does not completely resemble me. Wanda has always been close to my two brothers and I am starting to suspect that maybe one of them is the father of my child. I am trying to work up the courage to confront them, but every time I reach that point I lose my nerve. I, too, am very close to my brothers and I just can’t believe that one of them would betray me like that…but then I look at my son and I start to wonder all over again. Of the three of us, I am the less attractive brother and I have always wondered why my wife chose me over them. Now I am wondering if she chose both of us.

My wife does not know of my suspicions and she has chalked my moodiness up to being a new parent and not getting enough sleep. My son – if he is mine – doesn’t deserve to be raised in such a stressful environment. I need to know the truth, but how do I find it?

Daddy Or Uncle?

Dear Daddy Or Uncle:

Genetics is a crazy thing…we all carry dominant genes that are expressed physically and recessive genes which are part of our makeup but not our physical looks. This is why you and your brothers look different from each other – two of them have one set of genes expressed while you have the other; even though you all have the same parents, you look different because your parents gave each of you a unique combination of genetic material.

It is possible that the recessive genes you carry are being expressed in your son’s physical appearance – which would explain why you see a family resemblance in him, but not an exact resemblance to you. Ponder on this for a while before you make accusations (outward or inward) against your brothers. I suggest that you and your wife seek marital counseling to work on the problems that separated you in the first place. You mention that an inability to conceive was one of the problems, but separating was not the way to solve that issue! Could trust issues be another problem that caused the breakdown of your marital bond? Once you are comfortable discussing things with a counselor, you can bring up your suspicions – if you are still experiencing them; they may only be a part of the insecurity you are feeling about your marriage in general.

In the end, you must remember that the father of your child is the one who raises him; the man who is there to change his diapers and comfort him when he is crying; the man who teaches him how to ride a bike and throw a baseball; the man who instructs him in the rules of good manners and good citizenship. In short, the man who helps him to become a man himself while experiencing the joys of childhood along the way. Do you really want to allow your doubts to take all of that away from you?



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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