Thursday, December 26, 2013

Is She "High Maintenance" Or Does She Just Have High Standards? Maybe Both!

Dear Tazi,

I am a sophomore in high school, and have been dating since eighth grade. Every year, my family takes off to our beach cottage for the summer, so I have summer boyfriends and school year boyfriends, but nobody I am serious about dating. I am still a virgin, and while keeping it or losing it is not a big deal to me, I am not going to just lay out with a boy for the sake of having sex. I have far too much self-respect!

My problem is that at the start of every school year I start dating someone, but almost as soon as the Fall Ball is over and done with so are we. Boys will break up with me a week before Christmas! The first time it happened, I gave the boy his gift, but he told me he didn't have anything for me because he hadn't gone shopping yet. The second time it happened, I gave the boy his gift but he was polite enough to give it back for return since he hadn't bought me a gift. This year, I heard a rumor that my boyfriend was going to break up with me after the annual Fall Ball at school, so I broke up with him just before Thanksgiving. I had no one to go to the dance with, but a bunch of my friends went without dates and we had a great time! I met a new boy, "Randy", and he asked if he could friend me on Facebook, and I said yes thinking he would ask me out but he never did. I asked my best friend to talk to him, and she told me said he wants to ask me out, but after Christmas.

I could tell my best friend was keeping something from me, so I asked her what else Randy said and at first she said "nothing" but I could see she was lying. I finally got it out of her that Randy said he liked me but he had heard that I was "high maintenance and hands off". He said that he respected my "hands over the sweater" rule but that if he was going to invest some serious coin in a relationship he would want some kind of action in return. Randy also told her that he was waiting until after Christmas to ask me out because he didn't want to have to buy me an expensive gift and didn't want to insult me by buying something that was beneath me.

Whoa! Tazi, I am not some kind of skeeze who puts out in exchange for expensive presents! I wear expensive clothes, nice jewelry, and yes even designer sunglasses but my parents buy them for me and its not like I get new stuff every year (unless I outgrow it - that's different!). I would be thrilled if a boy bought me a gift card to Starbucks or a couple of OPI nail polishes in colors I like because it shows that he pays attention to what I like! And that comment about respecting my hands over the sweater rule? I want to know where he heard that and what my past boyfriends are saying about me! While it is true I don't let boys put their hands up my shirt it is only because none of them have dated me long enough to make it to second base! (My Mom tells me that is actually third base, but she is kind of old.).

Now I don't know what to do when Randy finally asks me out. He seemed so nice at first, and we like talking on Facebook, and he texts and tweets me all of the time, but if he is only looking for sex and if he is going to believe what my ex-boyfriends say about me than I am not so sure if I want him as my boyfriend. Why do boys have to be so stupid, Tazi?


Dear Sin-Sin-Single:

You sound like a mature young woman and - in spite of his comments - Randy sounds like a nice young man. As you know, high school can be a tough place where everyone wants to fit in; how do you think it would be for Randy if his friends found out he was okay with your "hands off" policy? He would probably get teased and have his sexuality questioned. It sounds like his comment about putting some "serious coin" into a gift was just bravado; after all, he also mentioned that he was afraid you would not like the type of gift he can afford to buy you - but instead of being upset that you would think his gift beneath you Randy is worried about insulting you. To me, that sounds like he is seriously in like with you!

In the immortal words of "The Fonz" (my Mommie is old, too!), "Christmas is for giving, not for trading!"

Quite possibly the coolest man on earth!

Since school will be out for vacation by the time this letter is printed, why not look for a present to give Randy when you see him again at school? It doesn't have to be anything expensive - a gift card to Starbucks, perhaps, and an invite to join you for coffee would be a nice way of letting him know that you like him; that gifts do not have to be expensive to impress him; and that a gift given does not mean a gift is expected in return. You can even tell him that!

As for your other question; if you want to know what your ex-boyfriends are saying about you, I suggest that you walk up to them and ask. Just march right up to one of them at the lunch table, channel your inner diva, and demand to know why you are hearing he implied you were a high maintenance woman! Normally, I do not advocate drama, but sometimes boys will act one way when they are among the guys and an entirely different way when a girl steps in. Watch the movie Grease for a perfect example of this...

The answer to your last question - "why do boys have to be so stupid" - is a college-level/PhD question; entire semester long classes have been dedicated to exploring the male psyche, men and masculinities, and the pressures boys face to be the kind of super-star they grew up watching on TV and in the movies (think Tony Stark, aka Iron Man) while at the same time being a kinder, gentler, type of man that society also demands they be; is it any wonder boys are so confused? (Not stupid! Please do not judge an entire gender by the actions of a few! That is sexist!).


P.S. You know it's not against the law for a girl to ask a boy out on a date! If you really like Randy, ask him out on a date!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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