Sunday, December 1, 2013

Tazi's Corner #69 - The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs EVER!

[Ed. Note: Email readers may not see the embedded videos. Please click on the song titles to open a new window and view/listen].

Dear Readers,

Now that December is here many of you are tuning in to the Christmas songs that radio stations have been running 24/7 since Halloween! Last year, I published a well-researched list of really bad Christmas songs, and the one complaint I got was that I published it too late to save your eardrums! This year - due to popular request for a re-run - I am once again presenting my list of Worst Christmas Songs Ever. If you think I have left one off of the list, let me know via Twitter @TaziKat and I will see about adding it to my website! Now, without further ado, I present....

Tazi-Kat’s List of the
Top Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever (That We All Love!)

#5 – Last Christmas, originally recorded by Wham!

As my Woman’s brother pointed out, this song is not a Christmas song; it is “a breakup song! George Michael just added the word ‘Christmas’ to it and set it to a jingly beat!” I used to kinda-sorta like this song (until the cast of Glee covered it); now, it ranks at #5 on my list.

#4 – Christmas Shoes, by New Song/Bob Carlisle

The reason this song is so pathetically bad is that is designed to bring people to tears over someone else’s misfortune, but when you actually dissect the lyrics you find several large problems with the entire scenario, starting with the fact that a little boy is allowed to run to the shoe store, by himself, while his mother lay on her deathbed! Yeah, that’s very believable…actually, it is more believable than a kid knowing his Mom’s shoe size.

#3 – Father Christmas, by The Kinks 

Perhaps one of the more rockin’ Christmas songs out there, I admit that I have been caught tapping my tail to the beat! However, the whole song is about how a bunch of young, poor children of unemployed parents mugged Santa and made violent requests like “a machine gun, so I can scare all the kids down the street”. The song then suggests that we all “remember all the kids who got nothin’ while you’re drinking down your wine”. Haven’t these people never hear of Toys for Tots or other charities that assist with holiday gifts for the poor?  There is no reason why deserving children should receive nothing for Christmas. On the other hand, children who mug Santa do not deserve presents…

#2 – We Wish You An Adequate Festive Period, by The Happees 

Although the picture of a cat with human hands instead of paws gives me the creeps, my Woman personally loves this song and has been posting it to Facebook (ad nauseam) for the past few Christmases as a joke between she and her closest music obsessed friends. Unfortunately, not everybody is feeling the love for “Dracula laughing for no reason”, which is why this song makes it to #2 on my list (I am saving the #1 spot for a very special song!). A warning for all who choose to play this song: You will not be able to get it out of your head! (My Woman once posted this song to RI Governor Lincoln Chafee's Facebook page in protest of his calling the State House Christmas Tree a "Holiday Tree").

#1 – Do They Know It's Christmas?, by Band Aid 

This song has a very catchy tune, but have you ever listened to the lyrics? They are fraught with bad information! This song deserves a list of its own, so here are the Top 5 worst lyrics in the Worst Christmas Song Ever!

5.      “There’s a world outside your window, it’s a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears”

Has Band Aid never heard of the Nile River? It’s only the longest river in the world, running for over 4,000 miles, from Northeastern Africa straight through to the Eastern-central part of the continent! Additionally, there are dozens of rivers that flow through the various regions of the African continent, and let's not forget Lake Victoria; it's the main reservoir of the Nile River, and the largest fresh-water lake in the world!

4. “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime…”

In 1899, author Joseph Conrad referred to Africa as “the dark continent”; apparently, Band-Aid still sees it that way, generalizing the continent as one giant, generic region, and not a multitude of different countries and climates that make up this vast land that spans the world's two hemispheres. (FYI, Band-Aid: Many regions of the African continent see snow).

3. “Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow”

Okay, I have already pointed out that the Nile river flows through the Eastern portion of the African continent (through Uganda, Ethiopia, Sudan, Burundi, and Egypt, to be precise), but I have a problem with the rest of this statement, too. The entire continent of Africa is not a desert! The African continent is home to many lush and tropical regions that are perfect for growing crops and trees. The eastern coast of Africa (including the island of Madagascar) is a tropical rain forest, while the average rainfall across the continent varies from 20 – 60 inches per year, which is similar to rainfall amounts in countries like the United States and the United Kingdom!

2. “Here’s to them underneath that burning sun”

The assumption that the entire continent of Africa is constantly under a “burning sun” is just pure ignorance. I realize this song is about Ethiopia (which is never actually mentioned in the song), but does Band Aid realize that Ethiopia has three seasons, and that they are not “hot, hotter, and hottest”? Do they also know that the month of December (a.k.a. “Christmastime”) falls during the coolest season of the year in Ethiopia, with temperatures ranging from 16 degrees C/61 degrees F (in the highlands) to 28 degrees C/82 degrees F (in the lowlands)? This means that if you are toasting Ethiopians at Christmastime, they are quite comfortable, possibly even a little chilly, and not dehydrating under a burning sun.

1. “Well tonight that God it’s them, instead of you”

This has to be the biggest “****; you” in the history of music! What makes it worse is that Bono – yes, the humanitarian and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, that Bono – intones the words, advising us to take a moment as we celebrate in our “world of plenty” to be grateful that we are not among the starving and drought-ridden people of the never-directly-mentioned Ethiopia. Why not ask us to give from our plenty? That seems like the proper thing to ask…

Bono's cat, circa 1985?

I hope you have all enjoyed my Worst Christmas Song Ever Countdown! Feel free to add your own in the comments section below, on my Facebook page, or via Twitter, through the hashtag AskTazi or directly by tweeting @TaziKat.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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