Sunday, December 15, 2013

Tazi's Corner #71- Are You Tragically Hip? (Take This Quiz To Find Out!)

Dear Readers:

This week I made the mistake of hopping into Mommie’s purse when she said she was “going to the coffee shop”. I thought this meant Dunkin’ Donuts, but alas and alack I was wrong; she went to Starbucks instead…and then to Panera for lunch…followed by a trip to Pier One, because it was right next door…lamented the loss of the Border’s Bookstore that once operated in the valley she was overlooking…and then culminated my torturous afternoon by stopping into Whole Foods to pick up “a few items”, the bill for which cost more than my yearly food budget. It was then that I had a horrible thought: Could my Mommie be tragically hip? defines tragically hip as “being so obsessed with keeping up with the latest counter-culture fads and social pretensions that you lose your ability to think for yourself and suppress any originality you may have ever had…” Uh-oh…she had just visited not one but TWO trendy coffee shops in one afternoon, lamented the loss of a third (because Border’s is nothing more than a coffee shop with books), and paid a visit to the Mother Ship of pretentious hipsters everywhere where she purchased items like imported Greek yogurt (made with real sugar, not corn syrup!) and handcrafted fig jam (also made with real sugar, which should do wonders for her glucose levels).

This cannot end well...

As soon as we got home, but after I shook the hipster slime off of me, I put together the following quiz and forced my Mommie to take it. Thankfully, she failed; it turns out she was just having an off day. As for the rest of you, dear readers, you may want to take this quiz to find out if you are tragically hip…just in case you are and don’t know it!


Choose the description that best describes you:

1.       You do the bulk of your grocery shopping at…?
a.       Whole Foods
b.      Stop and Shop, Shaw’s, Kroger, or some other major, non-organic chain
c.       Price Rite, Walmart, or another discount grocery store
d.      I generally don’t shop at the store; I grow my own produce or buy it at the Farmer’s Market; can and preserve the surplus; own a dairy cow and a few hens; and culture my own yogurt.

2.       When you go to the coffee shop you usually go to…?
a.       A small, locally owned coffeehouse run by a small businessperson who specializes in exotic blends
b.      Starbucks, Panera, or some other niche franchise catering to organic tastes
c.       Dunkin’ Donuts
d.      I/my friends own the small coffeehouse and drink my own/their product

3.       Do you recycle?
a.       Always…unless there isn’t a recycle bin around, then I just throw it in the regular trash (like on the rare occasion I go to Starbucks, those hypocrites!)
b.      I try my best, but I am not always sure of what goes in which bin
c.       At home because my city/town has a no-bin/no-barrel ordinance
d.      Recycling is practically a religion to me; I also compost

4.       Look at the tags on the clothes you are now wearing. Were your clothes…?
a.       Painstakingly handcrafted by a woman in a second or third-world country and sold to a fair-trade middleman before making their way into your hands
b.      Made in USA by union labor; Union YES!
c.       Made in China, Indonesia, India, or elsewhere in Asia
d.      Made by you (or an immediate family member)

5.       What fabric is your favorite sweater made of?
a.       Bamboo, hemp, or some other non-traditional plant-derived material
b.      Cotton, silk, wool, or maybe even a poly-blend
c.       Um, cloth?
d.      Wool, which I knit myself after spinning the yarn from virgin wool that I purchased from the local shepherdess [Ed. Note: Don’t laugh; I know a woman who does this!]

6.       What kind of car do you drive?
a.       A hybrid (any kind) or a Smart car
b.      An SUV or other vehicle that you wish got more miles per gallon
c.       Something that, stylish or not, gets me to where I need to go and was in my budget when I bought it
d.      I prefer public transportation; walking; and riding my bike to motor vehicles, and only take my subcompact car when I need to go on the highway

7.       Do you know what edamame is? [Ed. Note: My spell-check doesn’t!]
a.       Yes, and I love it! I always buy it when I go grocery shopping
b.      I have heard of it and/or eat it once in a while
c.       No.
d.      Yes; I grow/buy soybeans in the pod and what I don’t process for milk, tofu, and other foods I eat in the whole form

8.       Your music collection:
a.       Went from vinyl to cassettes to CD’s to digital, and back to vinyl because nothing is as pure as vinyl
b.      Is a collection of CD’s and digital…I upgraded from cassettes years ago
c.       I have everything from pre-1988 vinyl to digital; I change with the times but keep my old stuff
d.      I have wind-chimes; play the pan flute; and/or a yard that attracts songbirds. I borrow CD’s from the library.

If you got:

All or mostly A’s: You are the very definition of tragically hip. Let me paw-slap some sense and humility into you before Mother Nature does it for me.
I will use the gentle paw this once!

All or mostly B’s: You are the average, middle/upper-middle class American who may or may not be striving for more (depending on how many A’s you also checked). Keep on truckin’, you are fine just the way you are!

All or mostly C’s: You are frugal and very aware that much of the fact that what it trending now is just that – trendy. Recognize that some of the trends are not all bad, though; fair-trade coffee may cost more but it guarantees that Juan Valdez is not the only coffee grower earning a living wage off of the sale of his product. You could maybe stand to step it up a bit and try the joy that is bamboo clothing (so soft, and it doesn’t rape the soil like cotton!), eat some heart-healthy foods, and ditch that record of Donna Summer singing MacArthur Park. Unlike John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s The White Album it is never going to be worth more than you paid for it.

All or mostly D’s: You are the original environmentalist! There is nothing false about you; you put your money (and your time and talents) where your mouth is and walk the talk when it comes to preserving the earth; Gaia thanks you. Long after the trendiness has passed you will still be doing the things that most complain are a big pain in the ass. Something tells me you are from Vermont…or maybe New Hampshire.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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