Monday, January 13, 2014

Wife Wants Another Baby, Thinks Husband Selfish For Saying No

Dear Tazi:

I am approaching 40 and have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 10 year old daughter. My problem is that I am having strong urges to have another child. My husband has flat-out said no to this, but I can't seem to shake my desire for another baby. My daughter is growing up so fast, and I can't help but worry that something might happen to her. What if she is killed in an accident? Would I still be a mother if I no longer have a child?

I realize my worries seem silly, selfish, and completely unrealistic, but I really want another baby. My daughter is at an age where she is exerting her independence from me; when I drop her off at school, she pulls away when I try to kiss her goodbye and asks me not to "embarrass" her in front of her friends. She begs me to let her wear makeup and and has started to get into fashion and noticing boys. I feel like my little girl is no longer a little girl, and I still have so much love to give! I feel empty inside knowing that I may never have another child.

I have discussed my feelings with my husband, who has suggested that we get a puppy as an outlet for my motherly affections, but I don't want a pet - I want another baby. My husband has not been able to give me one good reason why we should not try for another child! We are financially stable and can afford another child; we are both young enough to have the energy to chase after a child; and up until this issue has affected our lives our marriage was rock solid. Yes, my desire for a baby and his selfishness are putting cracks in our union. I love my husband...but I also want another baby. If he won't give me one, I may consider leaving and finding someone who will. Or rather finding someone who will and then leaving, since I really don't have a lot of time left. I am 38!

My friends tell me that I am crazy - crazy for wanting another baby at my age (and right before my daughter enters her teen years!); crazy for thinking of leaving my husband who is a "great guy" according to all of my girlfriends; and crazy for not thinking of the consequences of following through with my plans. One of my friends suggested that I stop using birth control and see what happens - just don't tell my husband, but that feels dishonest. If we are going to have another baby I want it to be something we both want, not something I tricked him into doing.

Tazi, are my feelings normal? Am I going through some kind of mid-life crisis or is what I am feeling valid? I feel that I really do want another baby!

Baby Blues

Dear Baby Blues:

Something tells me that you are thinking with your heart and not your head. Kudos to you for not wanting to trick your husband into having another child. Marriage is based upon open and honest communication which is what you appear to have, based upon what you have told me. To ruin that would be disastrous for your marriage and for any baby that your deceit brings into this world.

You do not mention the reasons why your husband does not want another child; you merely say his reasons are "selfish". Your husband is probably thinking further forward than you are - say, 18 years into the future as the two of you are preparing for retirement and being saddled with college tuition bills. How much financial stability can you expect at that point? While his suggestion that you get a puppy was an awkward one, I think it expresses his feelings on the subject - a new human baby is out of the question.

While on the subject of being selfish...I want you to look inwardly for a moment. You are considering searching for a new partner while still married and then leaving your husband for a new one if your search proves fruitful. This is the epitome of selfishness! Think of the pain you would cause not only your husband but your daughter, as well as extended family members who have come to love your husband as a member of the family. Is a new baby worth the pain you would inflict on others? Are you sure that your reasons for wanting another baby are not selfish, too? It appears that you want another child because your current baby is growing up and is no longer completely reliant on you. If you have another baby, where will your first child fit into the picture?

I suggest you schedule a few sessions with a professional counselor to discuss your feelings in a neutral setting, and to dig into the roots of your desire. In the meantime, try to remember the sleepless nights, the shower-less days, the messy house, and all of the less than pleasant things that go along with having a baby. You may discover that, at 38, you no longer have the energy you had with your first child.


P.S. To answer your first question: Of course you are still a mother if your only child passes away! While this is every parent's worst nightmare, it does not change your status. Once a parent, always a parent.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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