Monday, February 3, 2014

After 12 Years Together, Is It Time To Fish Or Cut Bait?

Dear Tazi:

Valentine's Day is approaching and I would like my boyfriend of twelve years to propose to me, but I am starting to think that is never going to happen. Every time I mention the word "marriage" he changes the subject.

"Kyle" and I have been dating since we were 18; we are both now 30, and my biological clock is starting to tick a lot louder than it has in the past! Kyle has said he is okay with having kids before we are married, but I am not. I am stringent with my birth control, just to make sure this does not happen since it is obvious a pregnancy will not be the shotgun that gets Kyle to the alter.

Kyle and I do not live together, at my insistence. While I have my own apartment he still lives at home with his parents. He says that there is no point in moving out since they do not require him to pay rent. Subsequently, Kyle has a large amount of money saved - enough to put a sizable down payment on a nice house or, combined with my savings, to purchase a house with only a very small mortgage - less than $20,000. I have suggested this to Kyle, but he says owning a house together is "too complicated" and has suggested that there would be legal complications if we were to break up.

Tazi, I would like to marry Kyle but like I said I am seriously having doubts as to whether that is ever going to happen. Do you think I am just fooling myself into believing that I will have my happily ever after with Kyle? Should I just break up with him and move on with my life? All of my girlfriends from high school and college are now married with children and I feel like my life is passing me by as I wait for Kyle to catch up with me. Other times, I feel like Kyle is my life and that I should simply adjust my expectations to meet reality.

Wanting More

Dear Wanting More:

You have been with Kyle since you were a teenager. As you have discovered, the past twelve years have been a time of education, career training and accomplishments, and personal growth - at least for you. It sounds to me like Kyle's personal development ended in high school.

While only you can decide if you want to stay with Kyle or leave him, I will offer you my opinion on the situation. If you choose to stay with Kyle, you will have to accept that what you have now is the best you will ever have. If a man (or a woman) chooses to remain single past the age of 30 there is little chance they will change their mind and choose to marry. Kyle has told you that he likes his life just the way it is; if you want to stay with him, you will need to adjust your dream to the reality he is offering. Can you do that?

If you decide that all Kyle has to offer you is heartbreak as you watch your dreams of marriage and motherhood slide into the abyss then you need to find the courage to kiss him goodbye ("Na Na, Hey Heys" optional). As painful as it is to leave any relationship, you may discover that once you are single there are other men more worthy of your time and affections. You may even feel a sense of relief, like the Band-Aid you have been afraid to rip off of a wound has finally been removed.

I suggest that you make a list of the pros and cons of your situation. What does Kyle bring to your life that another man cannot? If you can't find anything, then it is time to break things off with Kyle, give your heart time to heal, and set out on your search for a man who can - and will - offer you what you need. Should Kyle finally open his eyes and beg you to take him back you will want to let your head - not your heart - handle the situation.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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