Friday, April 4, 2014

Chef Has Problems Simmering At Home

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional chef at a high end restaurant.  I mention this because I am beginning to think that my (live-in) girlfriend is only staying with me for my cooking.  I love my job. "Gina", however, thinks that because I am a chef I should do all of the cooking.  When I say I would rather not, she pouts and claims that I am "holding out" on her; that I am giving my best to my customers and saving nothing for her.  Tazi, this is not true.

I enjoy cooking, and do my share of the cooking at home.  I have no problem with cooking breakfast or brunch on days that I work evenings, and enjoy cooking dinner on my nights off.  I do all of the laundry and keep the house neat, if not clean.  Gina, in return, has been doing less and less over the past several months.  When I mentioned this to her, she got very upset and accused me of being sexist and accusing me of implying that housework is a woman's job, which is why I must not want to cook for her.  Gina then told me that if I wasn't such a good cook she would have left a long time ago.  I was so angry, I stormed out of our apartment and spent the night at my brother's place.  In my defense, I texted her about an hour later to let her know where I was and that I would return when I was calm enough to face her.  Since it was getting late, my brother suggested I crash at his place.

When I came home the next morning, I had decided it was best for me to pack my stuff and find another place to live, at least while I sorted out my thoughts on where my relationship with Gina was going.  Tazi, you think I had been gone for a week considering the way Gina greeted me!  She was all apologies, saying that she didn't mean a word of what she said; that she was just angry; and could we kiss and make-up.  Well, we did and things were OK for a few weeks, but Gina is starting to fall back into her old habits of doing little and whining when I refuse to do more.  I am starting to believe that she meant what she said about only staying with me for my cooking.  What do you think, Tazi?  I need an opinion, and am kind of embarrassed to ask the guys about it.

Chef K.

Dear Chef K.:

While I cannot say for certain what your girlfriend did or did not mean, it does look as though she enjoys the perks of dating a chef more than she enjoys the responsibilities of being part of a committed couple.  While it must be nice to have a high-end chef cooking one's every meal, those who receive need to see things from the chef's point of view.  You are right in feeling used over Gina's demands that you cook every meal, and angry that she has tried to twist your request for an equal splitting of the house-chores into a sexist demand for her to be a Little Suzy Homemaker.

And then he woke up...

I will lay it on the line for you, since that seems to be what you want: I think it is time for you to go ahead with your original plan and move out of your shared apartment with Gina until you can figure out where it is your relationship is going and upon what it is actually based.  It does not sound as if there is mutual respect between the two of you, which needs to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

If you are financially responsible for the lease and cannot move out until it is up for renewal you may have to stay in this difficult situation until that time has come.  I suggest that you handle such a scenario by talking with Gina now about what it is you need from her to keep your relationship afloat, and what it is you need to do for yourself to give you the fortitude to renew your commitment to her.  The communication in your relationship appears to be sorely lacking.  This might be the wake-up call you both need.


 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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