Wednesday, May 7, 2014

In An Abusive Marriage, Something Has Got To Give

Dear Tazi:

Do you remember the old song “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” That is the story of how I met my husband, “Zack” who is in full-blown mid-life crisis mode. Zack has joined a gym, bought a sports car, and by the time this letter is printed will have had a facelift. My marriage was not the greatest before Zack went overboard on his self-improvement kick – we have been married for 15 years and the spark is long gone – but now it has become intolerable. I am waiting for him to get a mistress so I will have a reason to leave him (our prenuptial agreement has an adultery loophole that voids it, so I would get a lot more if he cheated).

I have always worked hard to remain fit and attractive, but at 38 I no longer have the body I did when I was 21 and a size 3. Zack is pressuring me to have a “body sculpt” done, which involves a liposuction, breast lift, and facial improvements. I have no desire for plastic surgery and I do not think I need it. I am actually happier with my looks now than when I was younger, having filled out in all of the right places.

Zack’s pressure to get a body sculpt is starting to get on my nerves. This morning he acted like he wanted to be intimate with me, and then pushed me away saying “who replaced my wife with this whale?” Tazi, I am a size 6! I am not sure how long I can continue to live with Zack’s snide comments. He is hardly Mr. America – before he joined the gym he had a 44 waist; he is now down to a 38 and looking good, but not so good that he can call me fat. The thought of leaving scares me – I haven’t worked since we got married – and I am not sure what I could do to support myself, short of going back to working as a cocktail waitress. If I leave, I get almost nothing thanks to the prenup I signed. What to do, Tazi?


Dear Kajagoogooed:

First off, it was Human League, not Kajagoogoo that sang the song you reference. Second, after fifteen years of marriage I would question the validity of your prenuptial agreement, especially if the marital assets have grown significantly over that time. Since your agreement so heavily favors your husband, I am led to believe that you did not have legal representation when this agreement was signed, which might sway a judge to invalidate it, especially if you can prove that it was signed under duress; your husband is mentally abusive, which leads me to wonder if this was the case.

Right now, you should contact a good marriage counselor as well as a good divorce lawyer; if Zack will not go with you to visit the first than you should go alone to visit the second. Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar may be a step-down from your current lifestyle, but regaining your sense of self-worth will be invaluable. Due to the length of your marriage, if you decide to divorce, a judge may order your husband to pay alimony and/or educational costs so you can train for a career and “find a much better job”. Although I hate to advocate divorce, I refuse to advise someone to stay in an abusive marriage.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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