Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Marriage Is For Many Reasons, Not Just Children

Dear Tazi:

I have been married to my wonderful husband "Fred" for three years, and have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. On a recent visit to the doctor for my annual exam, it was discovered that I have ovarian cysts, which could be the reason I have been unable to get pregnant. The doctor said that the fact that I have cysts does not mean that I can't get pregnant, but it may make getting pregnant difficult; and she suggested further testing.

Tazi, Fred wants children more than anything in the world; and I am afraid that if I tell him I can't conceive, he will leave me for someone who can. On the other hand, it pains me (emotionally, not physically) to make love to my husband knowing that it will probably not result in the pregnancy we both desire. I hate keeping secrets from my husband, but I am also afraid of losing him. Any advice, little kitty?


Dear Inconceivable:

As a fan of The Princess Bride, your signature made me smile...and reminded me of the love between Wesley and Buttercup; which one hopes is the kind of love every married person feels for their spouse. When your husband married you, he did so "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." He did not say, "I Fred take your uterus to be my lawfully wedded wife..."; he took ALL of you, declaring his love for you as a woman, not as an incubator.

You state that your husband wants children "more than anything in the world". Is this because he simply wants a child, or because he wants a child with you? Eventually, the idea of infertility testing will have to be approached (for Fred, too), so now is a good time to discuss the matter in an open and honest way. Ask Fred how it would affect your marriage if you could not have children. If for some reason Fred is resistant to fertility testing, it could be that he is afraid that there is a problem on his end; making testing all the more important.

If tests show that you are unable to conceive as a couple, there are options outside of divorce/infidelity that will help you fulfill your dreams of having children. Adoption is a wonderful way to complete your family, and is one avenue to consider. If you decide that adoption is not for you; surrogacy (though very expensive) is another option, as are (also expensive) fertility treatments and IVF [in vitro fertilization] which, depending on where you live, may be covered by your health insurance.

If, in the end, you are unable to conceive and Fred feels that leaving you is the only viable option, perhaps you would be better off without him. I know this sounds harsh, but you deserve a man who loves you as a whole person. However, I would give Fred the benefit of the doubt before you jump to such drastic conclusions. I have seen such situations before, and I think you are giving your husband far too little credit. The heartbreak of infertility can lead us to jump to such dire conclusions.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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