Saturday, August 30, 2014

Is Talking To An Ex The Same As Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is truly the type of woman that other guys remember as "the one that got away". Knowing this, I will admit that I can act a little insecure sometimes; but I think I am right on the point I want to make to her.

"Amy" does not realize how beautiful she is, or how outgoing she can be with people. Sometimes an old boyfriend will find her on Facebook and try to start up a conversation with her, either through wall posts or email. I have her password, and have seen these emails on occasion while checking her account for her (per her request; she cannot always get on the Internet at work). Her comments and messages to these guys are always polite and friendly, but I am bothered by the fact that she never mentions me. I feel like she is trying to keep me a secret from her ex-boyfriends and I think this is tantamount to cheating.

I would like to say something to Amy regarding these emails and comments, but I do not want it to sound like I don't trust her. I simply want to know point-blank if she is planning on leaving me should the right ex-boyfriend come along. How do you think I should phrase this? Is there a way to start this conversation that will not come off as accusatory?


Dear Mike:

You write that you believe her lack of comments about you to her old boyfriends is "tantamount to cheating" but then say that you "don't want to come off as accusatory". Well, which is it? To say you see an innocent email conversation as a form of cheating is rather accusatory, especially since these emails are coming to an account that she knows you can check. Are you certain you have not overstepped the bounds of Amy's trust in you?

Obviously, you have read the emails Amy has sent and received to/from her old boyfriends and they must be pretty benign if you have not said anything to her already. Some people are not comfortable talking about a "current" with an ex, just as some people are not comfortable talking about an ex with their current partner. The beauty of Facebook (in this situation) is that much of your life's details are visible on your personal page - including your relationship status and the length of your relationship, should you choose to add that information.

It is possible that Amy did not feel it necessary to mention that she was "In a relationship" because this information is prominently posted on her Facebook page, complete with a link to your Facebook page, should you have one. To beat that dead horse might be taken as an insult by her old boyfriend, who himself might be in a serious relationship and honestly interested in catching up with an old friend, as happens frequently through Facebook.

I believe that you are making mountains out of molehills. Amy trusts you enough to allow you to read her personal email. If there was anything in there that she did not want you to see, she would not be letting you in there. From the volume of email I receive on the subject, I would say that Facebook causes enough relationship issues already. Please do not go borrowing trouble, or you may find your girlfriend leaving you for entirely different reasons than you fear.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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