Two years ago I made the worst mistake of my life. I had been dating a guy for about two months when he lost his job, so I let him move in with me. I got pregnant almost immediately, so we got engaged. Since he was out of work I had to buy my own ring, but we did get married before the baby was born. It was a small wedding, which I paid for, and “Calvin” promised me the large, fancy wedding of my dreams once he found full-time work. I excused his prolonged unemployment because of the bad economy, and maybe even because I was pregnant and scared.
I now have a one year old baby who cries all the time and a twenty-seven year old, chronically unemployed husband who drinks. I would like to kick Calvin out – it would be so easy to just put his stuff out by the curb and change all of the locks – but he has nowhere to go, except for the local homeless shelter. I make a good living as an RN [Registered Nurse], so I am afraid that if I do kick him out/divorce him I will end up paying Calvin alimony for the rest of his life – money I would much rather be putting in my baby boy’s college fund!
I own my own home; my Mama left it to me when she passed, which was shortly before I met Calvin and probably why I let him move in with me so quickly – I was in mourning and wasn’t thinking straight! Calvin’s name is not on the house and my attorney friends have told me I would probably not lose it in a divorce, so that is secure, in addition to my job. I don’t think I would feel any guilt about kicking my baby’s Daddy to the curb with nothing but his name and the clothes on his back, but I am not sure. I know my boy would be better off without this lazy cur in his life, and I know that when the time comes I would have to explain to my boy exactly what happened to his Daddy; a bridge that I am willing to cross when I come to it.
I thought I was writing for advice, Tazi, but I guess I was just looking for a listening ear. Could you print my letter as a warning to all the other love-struck girls out there? If my story can save one woman from making the same mistakes I have made I would be much obliged.
Regretting It All…Except for My Baby
Dear Regretting It All…
I am glad that you do not regret your son; no child deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. The reason he cries all of the time could be because of the stressful atmosphere in your home and his tears are his way of expressing this discomfort.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, should you separate or divorce and depending on how your state’s family court system works, you may end up paying Calvin alimony for a prescribed number of years. My sources tell me that lifetime alimony is a thing of the past and that the average length of time is now 3 – 5 years – long enough for someone to complete a job-training program. I realize this represents a large chunk of your income – money that could be saved for your child – so be sure to have your lawyer address this matter if/when you go to court. You may not have to pay alimony – or you may be ordered to pay a reduced amount – if you choose to exempt Calvin from paying child support. With regards to your house, it is only safe if you do not live in a state with "community property" laws (your lawyer friends can advise you on this matter). As for explaining to your son what happened to his Daddy, that day may never come, should Calvin decide to exercise his parental rights to visitation. These are all things to consider as you ponder your decision to stay married, legally separate, or divorce.
You sound like an intelligent woman who is working on pulling her life back together after tragedy and the impulse decisions that followed it. I suggest that you talk to one of your “attorney friends” for advice on how to move forward. In the meantime, I am printing your letter so other women – and men – can learn from your mistakes.
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.