Thursday, February 5, 2015

Sexless Marriage Needs A Dose Of Courage

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are a very wimpy couple. There, I said it. Neither of us has any backbone, and we are two of the least aggressive people on the planet. As children, we were both bullied which is how we met - in a "safe zone" at our college, where people met for group counseling sessions.

"Kermit" and I were dating several months before he worked up the nerve to ask for any kind of physical intimacy, and I was raised that good girls do not ask for sex so we were both very inexperienced when we got married. We have been together for five years now (two dating, three married) and Kermit is still reluctant to put the moves on me! I love my husband, and would like a more satisfying sex life, but how can I tell him this? Even if I could work up the courage to initiate sex, I am afraid that Kermit will reject me or see me as too aggressive.

I have considered talking to a counselor, but I think that would be a betrayal of Kermit's trust; what happens (or doesn't happen) in the marital bed should stay there. In fact, I even feel a little guilty writing to you about this matter, Tazi. I would like to start a family with Kermit, but how can that happen if he is afraid to come near me? Is this normal for someone who is shy and has been bullied? It doesn't feel normal.


Dear Lonely:

Who is to say what is normal and what is not normal? The people involved in the marriage, that's who! If you feel that your husband's fear of initiating sex is abnormal, than that is an issue that needs to be corrected. While you may have been taught that "good girls" don't initiate sex, the fact of the matter is that women - just like men - have natural urges, and it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask your husband to fulfill them.

I cannot understand why he would pull away from you. Has he expressed an aversion to sex in any way? This could be a sign of a deeper issue. Is there any possibility that Kermit was sexually abused as a child, in addition to being bullied? It appears that there are deeper issues that both of you must address if your marriage is to reach the healthy level you seek.

Since you and Kermit met in a "safe zone" I know you are not adverse to talking with a counselor. Speaking with a professional, licensed therapist is not a betrayal of marital trust; it is not like you are gossiping with the neighbors, but seeking the assistance of a trained professional. If you are not comfortable asking your husband to go to a marriage counselor with you, go alone until you feel comfortable asking him to join you. You need to think of the counselor's office as a "safe zone", and treat it accordingly; when you feel safe enough, ask Kermit to come to your sessions with you. A marriage cannot work when only one person is trying.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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