Monday, March 16, 2015

Donut Shop Has More Than Just Coffee To Bring In Customers

Dear Tazi:

My husband of thirty-eight years retired this past summer and he is driving me crazy. Most of what he does I can handle, and I expect things to get better with time. We have weathered worse storms in our long marriage and this, too, shall pass. My issue is with his morning trip to the coffee shop.

Since retiring, every morning "Jeff" goes to the coffee shop for his morning brew. He claims that he wants to meet up with the guys and shoot the bull. I have suggested that they save money and have their coffee dates at our place, but he brushed off my idea, saying that the guys would never go for it, adding that their "meetings" are not "dates". Jeff is generally gone all morning, giving me blessed relief from his nitpicking about how I handle the housework, but I do not think that it is fair that he gets to relax with his friends all morning while I spend the same time cleaning up his messes - his dirty dishes, his dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor, his shaved whiskers in the bathroom sink, etc.

I am firm about my point that since we are retired we need to save money where we can, and coffee can just as easily be brewed fresh at home and drunk on the porch as it can at the coffee shop. I decided it was time to put my foot down and went to the coffee shop to purchase a pound of their ground coffee for home brewing, and I got an eyeful when I walked into the place!

My husband was there with his buddies, having coffee and promised, but they were also oogling the young coffee servers, young ladies who were dressed in tight pants and low-cut blouses that showed off more than needed to be shown to serve coffee! I was so horrified I walked out without buying the coffee! When I got home, I called Jeff and told him to pick up a pound or two, because he will not be returning to that place with my blessing!

When Jeff returned home, he had not purchased the coffee. Worse, he accused me of spying on him and told me that he will continue to have coffee with his buddies and to "enjoy the scenery". I am devastated to know that my husband thinks so little of our marital vows! He insists that looking is not cheating, and if the girls are going to flaunt it he has the right to look. I have written a sternly worded letter to the coffee shop manager, but never received a response. In the meantime, an icy field has developed between my husband and me. Am I making mountains out of molehills, Tazi? Let me add that not one of those girls had "molehills"; they were all pretty "mountainous".

Feeling Chilled Down South

Dear Feeling Chilled Down South:

Men the world over are going to be the kind of men that they are, regardless of how they would like to present themselves to their spouses. It sounds to me that your husband is turning into a dirty old man - a vision of himself that he would rather you not have seen. If going to the coffee shop to have coffee with his buddies is all Jeff's trips are about, he would probably not have an issue inviting the guys over to the house or even taking turns meeting at each other's houses.

Your husband has admitted that he goes to "enjoy the scenery"; he has been busted, no two ways about it. At least he did not insult your intelligence by denying it. As long as he does not escalate by moving his morning coffee meets to the local strip club I suggest letting the matter drop. These women are young enough to be his daughter or even his granddaughter - you might want to point out this fact to him, and see if it cools his ardor a bit. Sometimes, seeing ourselves as others see us is all it takes to push us into changing our less than charming behaviors.

I can understand why you would be upset enough over this situation to write a letter to the coffee shop manager, but a very unscientific survey of the waitresses in my life reveals that the more that they reveal to their customers, the larger the tips they receive. As disheartening as I find this, the truth is that sex sells, and many of these young women need their tips to survive; they are not saving pin money, they are earning rent money.

With regard to the second half of your problem - your disgust for your husband's slovenly behavior. Is this something new or has he always expected you to be his maid? Are you only reacting now because he has retired and you still have to work at keeping house? As you mention, a marriage of thirty-eight years cannot last without weathering the storms, and this is one more swell your boat will have to navigate. I suggest that you discuss your disgust of your husband's home habits to get to the root of your anger towards him. I also suggest that you not try to control him - the tighter you pull the leash the more he will work to slip out of it.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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