Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Lack Of Trust Can Damage The Relationships You Value The Most

Dear Tazi:

I must be the biggest cretin on the face of the planet. My live-in boyfriend has been acting very secretive for the past several months, so I was convinced he was cheating on me. He would say he was working overtime to explain long absences, yet I never saw any additional cash in our joint bank account so I assumed the worst.

After three months of this suspicious behavior, I secretly checked the call log on his cell phone and was crushed to discover several phone calls lasting 20 minutes or more to my best friend! I confronted "Jason" and asked him how long he had been sleeping with my best friend. He denied all of my accusations and told me I was "acting crazy" and that he would never cheat on me, but he could not give me a good reason why he had logged so many calls to my best friend. He actually had the nerve to say that I must have used his phone to call her!

I told Jason to pack his stuff and get out, but he refused so I did. Of course my best friend tried calling me to tell me that she was not sleeping with Jason, but I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed in a cheap motel for two weeks, when Jason called to tell me he wanted to talk and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant. It was a week before my 30th birthday, and I really didn't want to be turning 30 all alone, so I gave in with the hope that maybe we could salvage our relationship.

When I got to the restaurant, I got the surprise of my life. Jason and my best friend had been in close contact for the past several months. It turns out that they were planning my surprise birthday party. Jason had been working overtime all this time, too; he used the money to fly my parents in from the East coast so they could be here to celebrate with me.

Jason acted like everything was normal all through my party, so I thought everything was okay between us, but after the party he told me we really did need to talk. He told me that he loved me, but that we needed to take a big step backwards in our relationship until I can learn to trust him. He asked me to move back into our apartment, but is staying in the guest room until our lease is up, and then wants to see where we are before he decides if we should continue living together, or even stay together as a couple. Since Jason is close to my best friend, I asked her to talk to him for me, but she replied - quite coolly - that she already had, and that she had at least convinced him to give me another chance.

Tazi, I can't understand why they are both still so angry with me. Why can't they see things from my point of view? They would have thought the same thing if they were in my shoes! Wouldn't they? How can I make things right with the two most important friends I have - my boyfriend and my best friend?

Hating 30...So Far

Dear Hating 30...So Far:

Quite honestly, I don't think your boyfriend would immediately jump to the conclusion that you were cheating on him with his best friend. Judging by the fact that you accused him of cheating on you; tried to kick him out; and moved into a cheap motel when he refused, yet he still went through with his plan to throw you a surprise birthday party, I would say that your boyfriend is a class act.

The fact that you showed a lack of trust in your best friend as well as your boyfriend tells me that you have some serious trust issues and a complete lack of faith in the people you should be trusting the most. I would advise you to use this "time-out" in your relationship to try and figure out why you this is so. Professional counseling could help, but I think couples counseling would work best; once Jason understands why you acted the way you did the process of healing and forgiveness can begin for him, too.


P.S. If the only reason you are with your boyfriend is because you don't want to be "30 and alone", perhaps it is time to make your split a permanent one. You also owe your best friend an apology for your accusations.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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