Friday, April 3, 2015

When You Marry Someone You Marry Their Family, Too

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend and I are considering marriage, but I don’t think I can go through with it. I love “Jason” dearly, but his mother hates me and makes no secret of it. I am Jewish and Jason is Catholic, which is a part of her problem, but to be fair I do not think my religion is the only reason she hates me. I think she is the kind of woman who thinks no woman is good enough for her son.
A few months ago, she invited me to celebrate Easter dinner with her family. I politely refused on religious grounds – Easter falls during Passover this year, and I would not be able to partake in a non-kosher meal. Technically, I am not supposed to even enter a house that has leavening agents in it, but I am not that strict in my observance. Jason’s mother took this as a personal insult, and let me know that the day would come that I would regret turning down her hospitality. I believe that day has come - and sooner than I thought.

Jason’s mother had invited me over for dinner to let bygones be bygones; I thought she meant well, but when I arrived, Jason’s father let me in and I walked in on an argument between Jason and his mother. Jason was upset with her for inviting me over but then not preparing a kosher meal while his mother was yelling that she was not about to go out and buy all new cookware and prep tools in order to satisfy “a ridiculously outmoded belief”. To his credit Jason told me to leave my jacket on, that we were leaving.

I could not believe that his mother invited me over for dinner and then planned on serving me a non-kosher meal; to me, it was a slap in the face and I am glad that Jason discovered her plan before I sat down to eat. Her comments about my dietary guidelines were equally upsetting – I almost asked her if she eats meat on Fridays, but was too shocked to speak.

Jason knows how upset I am over his mother’s treatment of me, but he will not address her about it directly, preferring to take a passive stance to try and keep both of us happy. Well, I am not happy.

Loves him, Loves Him Not

Dear Loves Him, Loves him Not:
Jason’s mother sounds like an uncompromising piece of work. Her attitude is very un-Christian, and she needs to work on her attitude – regardless of her motivation for treating you so poorly. For her to invite you into her home and then cook a meal she knows you cannot eat is a slap in the face to you and your faith; her comments are indefensible. Still and all, she is your boyfriend’s mother; if you were to marry him she is a part of the package.

You might want to reconsider that marriage proposal...

I suggest you tell Jason what you have told me – that you are not happy. It could be that he does not want to stand up to his mother in front of you, for fear of upsetting her further, but will stand up for you in your absence. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and enter into a meaningful discussion – on the matter of his mother, her treatment of you, and his lack of defense – with an open mind. Hopefully, once he hears how hurt you are, he will change his behavior and be willing to take a stand for you while you are there to witness it.

Since you and Jason have been considering marriage, I strongly advise that you attend pre-marital counseling sessions in order to clear the air between the two of you. Before any of this happens, though, you need to decide if you want to marry into Jason’s family. If the answer is no, then you must be up-front and honest with him about why you cannot see yourself building a permanent life with him and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you all the best; your situation is not an easy one.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

No comments:

Post a Comment